Boy, was I angry!!!
I'm typically not an angry person. Usually my emotions are better categorized as frustrated or hurt. But no other word fits the way I felt toward my teen this morning except anger.
After separating myself from the situation and taking deep breaths until I was almost hyperventilating, my blood began to simmer instead of boil. Clearly, though, the anger had a source that needed addressed. Swiftly and surely. Heaven help him.
I've heard it said that there is a fine line between anger and love, and that we feel anger more deeply toward those we love deeply. I think every parent can relate to that.
I remember the days when my strong-willed toddler defiantly disobeyed. In those days, I could pick him up and put him in his room and walk away. Sometimes I would even say, "Mommy is very angry." That always felt good. If I were completely honest, the screams and tears I heard from his room gave me satisfaction. "Good," I thought. "He knows he was wrong." After a short while, I returned to his room to see a cute, tear-stained face, and love overwhelmed the anger. Our brief discussions usually ended in a prayer and a hug.
In this situation, there was no defiant disobedience. Just a cavalier attitude toward inconveniencing me. There was no cute, tear-stained toddler face. Just a flippant comment and total lack of remorse. There was no hug. Just an eye-roll and ungratefulness. No realization of how wrong he was. Just an unfounded accusation. "Mommy is very angry" was replaced with the statement, "I am NOT happy." And that was the biggest understatement of the year.
What to do with justified anger we feel toward our teens? Well, I've decided that even though the scene was different in almost every way from when my teen was a toddler, one thing should be the same -- the fact that there will be consequences. And these consequences will NOT be toddler-sized, thank you very much. No, my teen doesn't need a lecture, an angry outburst, or a sarcastic barrage of rub-it-in reminders. Just a swift and sure consequence. Or two.
I may not feel love, but in this way, I'm making a choice to love my teen. As Scripture reminds us, "God disciplines those He loves" (Hebrews 12:6), and "No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it" (Hebrews 12:11). So when said teen objects, or has an angry outburst of his own in response to those consequences, but the consequences stand, the perfect parenting moment presents itself in all its shiny glory. And it sticks.
And that's when the consequence speaks louder than an angry outburst ever could.
Grace and Truth,
Katrina
Friday, February 10, 2012
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Sibling Love...or lack thereof!
This morning while my daughter was in the midst of relaying cafeteria drama from the previous day, she said, "I would never want to sit by my brother at lunch." Her brother, who was upstairs and not involved in the conversation at all, interjected with, "That's okay. I wouldn't want to sit by you either."
Ah. Sibling love. Does anyone else want to throw up their hands and scream, "What in the world?!"
From the time my kids were small, I have reminded them that friends would come and go, but their brother/sister would be their friend for life. Family is forever. I know I've seen that on a wall plaque somewhere, so it must be true.
Just when I think my kids will never get along, never learn to love and appreciate each other, they surprise me. I'm betting your kids do this too, and you catch them. They laugh at the same thing, say something kind, share their gum, compliment an accomplishment, or just show general kindness or acceptance of the other one being alive. (Hey, beggars can't be choosers.)
For all the frustration of sibling conflict, there are joys mixed in. Small glimpses of the fact that when they are grown, they will be glad to have another human being to reminisce with. To laugh with. To share holidays with. To make fun of their parents with. To love. Because after all, for better or worse, family is forever.
Grace and Truth,
Katrina
Ah. Sibling love. Does anyone else want to throw up their hands and scream, "What in the world?!"
From the time my kids were small, I have reminded them that friends would come and go, but their brother/sister would be their friend for life. Family is forever. I know I've seen that on a wall plaque somewhere, so it must be true.
Just when I think my kids will never get along, never learn to love and appreciate each other, they surprise me. I'm betting your kids do this too, and you catch them. They laugh at the same thing, say something kind, share their gum, compliment an accomplishment, or just show general kindness or acceptance of the other one being alive. (Hey, beggars can't be choosers.)
For all the frustration of sibling conflict, there are joys mixed in. Small glimpses of the fact that when they are grown, they will be glad to have another human being to reminisce with. To laugh with. To share holidays with. To make fun of their parents with. To love. Because after all, for better or worse, family is forever.
Grace and Truth,
Katrina
Listening and Acknowledging Feelings
This morning there was a two-hour school delay; therefore, I was already busy at work on the computer in our office when my daughter came down to the kitchen to eat breakfast and pack her lunch. She appeared at the doorway of the office and said, "Mom, can you come to the kitchen so we can talk?" then quickly retreated back to the kitchen.
Her words did not contain overt urgency, nor did she mention the desired subject matter. For all I knew, she just wanted help packing her lunch. For a few seconds my attention turned back to my computer, but her words, "so we can talk" echoed in my mind. She was back in the kitchen, quiet. But her simple request was akin to when she was a toddler, holding her arms upward toward me and saying, "Hold you." She needed me. And when your teen requests you, no matter how that request is disguised, I'm learning to take advantage of it...despite any inconvenience on my part.
My stuff could wait. My girl wanted to talk.
No sooner had I walked into the kitchen than my girl spilled out all sorts of information, ultimately revealing her heart over a matter at school. The matter could be reduced to the phrase, "girl drama," but that would not capture all that happened in those precious moments. In a sense, she was asking for my advice, which in the end I gave her. First, however, I listened and acknowledged her feelings. Listening...what a complicated art form. Through God's grace, He is teaching me to listen as if these things, which are so small in perspective to adult concerns, are the only things that matter. Because to her, they are.
Mama bear wanted to interject with, "Just forget about him! Just ignore him!" or to the other issues, "It will all work itself out." Instead, I said with sincerity, "I'm so sorry he said that to you. It never feels good to be made fun of" and "I bet you are confused about what to do with your friend. Have you talked to God about it?" Those kinds of responses evoked tears, created a willing reception of advice, and encouraged future invitations into her world. Ultimately, it also allowed me to gently turn my teen toward her Heavenly Father, who handles the "listening and acknowledging feelings" thing perfectly. And His Word of advice also happens to be the best around.
Grace and Truth,
Katrina
Her words did not contain overt urgency, nor did she mention the desired subject matter. For all I knew, she just wanted help packing her lunch. For a few seconds my attention turned back to my computer, but her words, "so we can talk" echoed in my mind. She was back in the kitchen, quiet. But her simple request was akin to when she was a toddler, holding her arms upward toward me and saying, "Hold you." She needed me. And when your teen requests you, no matter how that request is disguised, I'm learning to take advantage of it...despite any inconvenience on my part.
My stuff could wait. My girl wanted to talk.
No sooner had I walked into the kitchen than my girl spilled out all sorts of information, ultimately revealing her heart over a matter at school. The matter could be reduced to the phrase, "girl drama," but that would not capture all that happened in those precious moments. In a sense, she was asking for my advice, which in the end I gave her. First, however, I listened and acknowledged her feelings. Listening...what a complicated art form. Through God's grace, He is teaching me to listen as if these things, which are so small in perspective to adult concerns, are the only things that matter. Because to her, they are.
Mama bear wanted to interject with, "Just forget about him! Just ignore him!" or to the other issues, "It will all work itself out." Instead, I said with sincerity, "I'm so sorry he said that to you. It never feels good to be made fun of" and "I bet you are confused about what to do with your friend. Have you talked to God about it?" Those kinds of responses evoked tears, created a willing reception of advice, and encouraged future invitations into her world. Ultimately, it also allowed me to gently turn my teen toward her Heavenly Father, who handles the "listening and acknowledging feelings" thing perfectly. And His Word of advice also happens to be the best around.
Grace and Truth,
Katrina
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