Consequences Speak Louder Than Anger

Boy, was I angry!!!

I'm typically not an angry person. Usually my emotions are better categorized as frustrated or hurt. But no other word fits the way I felt toward my teen this morning except anger.

After separating myself from the situation and taking deep breaths until I was almost hyperventilating, my blood began to simmer instead of boil. Clearly, though, the anger had a source that needed addressed. Swiftly and surely. Heaven help him.

I've heard it said that there is a fine line between anger and love, and that we feel anger more deeply toward those we love deeply. I think every parent can relate to that.

I remember the days when my strong-willed toddler defiantly disobeyed. In those days, I could pick him up and put him in his room and walk away. Sometimes I would even say, "Mommy is very angry." That always felt good. If I were completely honest, the screams and tears I heard from his room gave me satisfaction. "Good," I thought. "He knows he was wrong." After a short while, I returned to his room to see a cute, tear-stained face, and love overwhelmed the anger. Our brief discussions usually ended in a prayer and a hug.

In this situation, there was no defiant disobedience. Just a cavalier attitude toward inconveniencing me. There was no cute, tear-stained toddler face. Just a flippant comment and total lack of remorse. There was no hug. Just an eye-roll and ungratefulness. No realization of how wrong he was. Just an unfounded accusation. "Mommy is very angry" was replaced with the statement, "I am NOT happy." And that was the biggest understatement of the year.

What to do with justified anger we feel toward our teens? Well, I've decided that even though the scene was different in almost every way from when my teen was a toddler, one thing should be the same -- the fact that there will be consequences. And these consequences will NOT be toddler-sized, thank you very much. No, my teen doesn't need a lecture, an angry outburst, or a sarcastic barrage of rub-it-in reminders. Just a swift and sure consequence. Or two.

I may not feel love, but in this way, I'm making a choice to love my teen. As Scripture reminds us, "God disciplines those He loves" (Hebrews 12:6), and "No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it" (Hebrews 12:11). So when said teen objects, or has an angry outburst of his own in response to those consequences, but the consequences stand, the perfect parenting moment presents itself in all its shiny glory. And it sticks.

And that's when the consequence speaks louder than an angry outburst ever could.

Grace and Truth,
Katrina