Replacing Directives With Suggestions

Parenting teens is tough! Can I just say that? Parenting in general is tough, as a friend and I lamented together in Wal-Mart today. There is a myriad of parenting advice out there in every form imaginable, but there is no one-size-fits-all rule book, that's for sure. Sometimes it helps to just admit that, and to remember that as parents, we're not alone. And most of us are doing the best we can. And we're not perfect. Besides, our kids don't need perfect parents; in fact, they need us to remind them that we're not so they see that it's okay that they're not.

These are things I'm learning. Things I'm coming to terms with. Slowly but surely.

Today I wanted to write about "replacing directives with suggestions," which I mentioned in my first blog about shifting your parenting style with teens. To illustrate, here is a list of common directives that flow out of my mouth like the faucet that someone left running:

You need a coat. It's cold outside.

Make sure you finish that homework before we leave.

Don't argue with me.

Don't fight with your sister.

Put the milk away.

Do your chores.

You had better study for that test if you want to bring your grade up.

Turn the music down, please.

You need to clean up your mess.

I could easily add more, but you understand. It's just the way life goes, right? Especially when we're running late, there's much to be done, or you're tired. So basically, all the time.

As I contemplated this idea of making suggestions, my first thought went to the sarcastic rebuttal, "But that's just the point! These are not suggestions!" Because if I only suggest these things, they will not happen! Hmmm. Perhaps true. What would happen if these directives above became sincere suggestions (emphasis on sincere, as in completely void of sarcasm)? Let's take a look:

Did you know it's only supposed to be 30 degrees today?

Do you think you'll have time to finish that homework before we leave, or do you think you'll need to stay home tonight (or get up early tomorrow) to get it done?

Did someone treat you badly today? You seem upset, and it feels like you're taking it out on me.

Why are you treating your sister so disrespectfully? Would you like to rephrase what you just said or remain silent for the rest of this car ride?

Did you know that milk costs $3 per gallon? If you were a parent, what would you do if your teen kept leaving the milk out to spoil?

(The following day) Your chores were left undone yesterday so today you have an additional chore. Would you like it to be folding the load of laundry or sweeping the kitchen floor?

Do you feel like you've spent enough time studying for your test tomorrow? How easy/difficult do you think it will be? How much do you think the test grade will affect your overall grade?

I'm surprised you're playing your music so loudly. Did you know Dad and I were talking? (Did you know your brother was trying to do homework?)

I'm putting a laundry basket at the bottom of the stairs for you to gather all your things in. Do you want to do that now or right after supper?

Reiterating: these suggestions must not be laced with even an ounce of sarcasm, or their effectiveness is null and void. Also, a parent must train her tongue to pause before she speaks; otherwise, the default mode of directives kicks in. I may or may not know this from personal experience. Ahem.

Maybe you noticed, like I did, that many of these "suggestions" involves giving our teens a choice. And maybe, like me, you remembered that this tactic also proved effective with toddlers, as in "Do you want your juice in the red cup or the blue cup?" I've discovered other similarities between parenting toddlers and teens, too, but I'll save that for another blog. Bottom line is, rephrasing our directives shows respect, and communicates that their opinion is valued, which they deserve even if they are frustrating the heck out of us.

What questions and suggestions have you used successfully with your teens? I'd love to hear your ideas! Please comment below with your ideas, or maybe with a question of how to turn a directive that wasn't listed above into a question. Let's brainstorm together!

Grace and Truth,
Katrina