Silence is Golden

In my last blog, I mentioned that one of the new parenting tools I'm clumsily learning to use with my teens is silence. I thought maybe the best way to explain this was to give an example.

Instead of unloading the dishwasher last week, my teen chose to text, play a game on his ipod, and lounge. Over Christmas break we decided that freedom would be given as to when homework and chores were completed each evening, as long as they were in fact completed sometime by 9 p.m.  Nagging, threatening, warning, or lecturing would be eliminated from the evening conversation. At the same time, the consequences of not following through were also explained -- namely, an extra chore the following day (in addition to the original one that was ignored), and for the homework, the natural consequence of a bad grade.

After supper, it was clear that my teen was not managing his time wisely. On top of that, the counter and sink were full of dirty dishes without a home. I bit my tongue. No need to remind him, I reminded myself. If I manage his time for him, he'll never learn to do it himself. "But he's only 14, I said back to myself. He's tired, and probably isn't even thinking of it. Maybe I should just give a hint or ask a question?"

I bit my tongue again. This silence stuff was getting to me. Especially after said teen was in bed and a dirty kitchen stared at me, reminding me that it would be there throughout the entire next day. Fifteen minutes of focused attention and I could take care of it myself, and it would be done right. Conflict would be avoided and my type-A personality pacified...but that's a blog for another day. For today, I followed through by letting it go.

The next day, his after-school note read like this: "Hi. Hope your day was good. Before doing anything else, put all your electronic devices on their chargers and unload the dishwasher from yesterday. Additionally, load the dirty dishes and hand wash anything that doesn't fit. Love, Mom and Dad."

It was written in Dad's handwriting; after all, why not bring in the reinforcements? Mom was there to ensure the note was seen, read, and followed. Unfortunately, I was also present for the backlash.

"This is stupid!"
"Why do I have to do so many dishes! This isn't fair! I just forgot to unload the dishwasher yesterday!"
"I hate this! It's SO STUPID!"

Again, I pulled silence out of the toolbox, although there were many other tools that clamored for use instead. Only when the complaints intensified and the volume rose did I set down "silence" and pick up the tool called "calm, brief responses." When he objected to my parallel between this consequence and "forgetting" something in a real life job leading to being fired, I simply said, "I'm not going to argue. I need to go fold laundry," and made myself scarce.

Please understand that this silence thing is still a learning process for me, and definitely not easy. It goes against most moms' instincts. But when I returned from folding laundry to a clean kitchen and two kids doing their homework at the kitchen table, I decided to keep silence in the toolbox's top drawer. At least for this season.

Grace and Truth,
Katrina